Riding in a Submarine
A family of four who lives in Indiana went to a beach in Florida. The four planned to stay there for five days. During the four days, the four went swimming, surfing, riding on a boat, having fun, collected shells, building a sandcastle, playing with a beach ball, etc. The 4 members of that family are: Lisa, the mom; Steve, the dad; Isabel, the daughter; and Paul, the son. On the 5th day the four decided to ride in a submarine. “This is one of the greatest and most exciting days of my life” Isabel said. “I’m so excited” Paul said. “Me too” Steve said. “I’ll ride in a submarine for many days, If I can” Lisa said. “Look at these beautiful and colourful schools of fishes” Lisa said. “Mom, do we have a camera?” Paul asked. “Here son” Lisa said. “Why will you use it?” Lisa asked. “So I can take pictures of the wonderful animals I see.” Paul answered. “Great Idea” Lisa said. Paul took pictures of the colourful schools of fishes. “Paul, take a picture of these colourful corals” Isabel said. Paul took a picture of the corals. Paul saw a jellyfish and he took a picture of it. After a few minutes, Paul saw a big whale. “That’s a very big whale” Steve said. “Paul, may you please take a picture of that whale?” Lisa said. Paul took a picture of the whale. After a few minutes, Paul saw a lionfish. Isabel videos it using her cellphone. “Paul, please take a picture of this octopus” Steve said. Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. They saw a killer whale and he pictured it while she videoed it. They saw a lobster and Paul pictures it. They saw a crab and Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. “That’s a very big octopus” Lisa said. Paul pictures it. “That’s a strange looking fish” Isabel said. “Amazing” Steve said. “Paul, take a picture of that fish” Lisa said. Paul pictures it and Isabel Videos it. “Paul, take a picture of that seahorse” Lisa said. Paul pictures it. “Look, it’s a tuna” Lisa said. “Paul, picture it” Steve said. “That’s a big scary fish” Lisa said. “Paul, please picture it” Steve said. Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. “Look, it’s a dolphin” Lisa said. “Paul, picture it” Steve said. He pictures it. “Look, it’s a shrimp” Lisa said. Paul pictures it. “Look, it’s a starfish” Lisa said. Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. “Look, clams” Isabel said. Paul pictures it and she videos it. “Look! It’s an oyster with a pearl” Steve said. “Beautiful” Lisa said. Paul pictures it. “Look! Scary Piranhas” Steve said. “They have big, sharp teeth that can wound us if they bite us” Lisa said. “It’s gonna be painful if they eat us alive” Lisa said. Paul pictures them. “Look, sea urchins” Isabel said. Paul pictures them. “Let’s go out of the submarine to get some corals, shells, and pearls” Steve said. “Good idea” Isabel said. They collected 8 corals, 15 shells and 15 pearls. They saw many different animals like squid, shrimp, cod, blue whale, great white shark, tuna, some scary or strange fishes, colourful fishes, starfish, sharks, whales, eel, porcupine fish, seals, etc. They even saw a shark chasing and eating a fish or another sea animal eating another sea animal. They stayed in the submarine for five hours. Paul was able to take 130 pictures in total. Isabel was able to video 20 times. They also went out of the submarine to get a fish and keep it as pets. They got two fishes. After going to the beach, they went back to Indiana, the state where the family lives. They enjoyed riding in a submarine that they want to ride again.
It sounds like a baby book
Ok, well first of all you say “said” way to many times. Try looking up other words instead of said. That will help a lot. Well, i also noticed that it was just the same thing happening over and over again for example: Paul, please take a picture of this octopus” Steve said. Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. They saw a killer whale and he pictured it while she videoed it. They saw a lobster and Paul pictures it. They saw a crab and Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. “That’s a very big octopus” Lisa said. Paul pictures it. “That’s a strange looking fish” Isabel said. “Amazing” Steve said. “Paul, take a picture of that fish” Lisa said. Paul pictures it and Isabel Videos it. “Paul, take a picture of that seahorse” Lisa said. Paul pictures it. “Look, it’s a tuna” Lisa said. “Paul, picture it” Steve said. “That’s a big scary fish” Lisa said. “Paul, please picture it” Steve said. Paul pictures it and Isabel videos it. “Look, it’s a dolphin” Lisa said. “Paul, picture it” Steve said
Try to add in detail also, like instead of saying “Paul take apic off it. ” say “wow look at that Paul, its beautiful. ” then put in the commentary”Paul took a pic of the beautiful color changing octopus. ” Also add variety.
Well, good luck!
It got boring in the first two sentences. Make your writing better, more descriptive. You have to draw in the reader, but you can’t. Im 13 so you must be like 10. Im a great writer for my age though.
Wow, you are getting better at these. I like that you gave everyone a name, next story tell us the ages of the kids. Sometimes I read your stories and think the kids are teenagers, sometimes I think they are small kids, so it is hard to comment on if the story makes sense. Put that they went to Daytona Beach in Florida. (Write about what you know) You have (stay there for five days. ) in one sentence and the next sentence says (during the four days) so it seems unclear if they stayed four or five days. Work on your time lines, nag, nag, nag. So You could say Thursday they arrived at Daytona Beach, checked into their hotel, and went swimming. Friday the family spent the day at the beach surfing and had seafood for lunch. (This kind of thing breaks up your story a little and tells what the family did. ) Saturday you could have the family going deep sea fishing on a yacht and seeing a white whale, and dolphins and Steve could catch a Florida Marlin when he is deep sea fishing. (That way the kids don’t see all the fun stuff in one event. ) Sunday they could spend the day at the beach collecting shells, building sand castles, have seafood for lunch, and after lunch they could play beach volley ball and walk back to their hotel at sunset. Then Monday could be the day they go on the submarine. That way they could see a white whale one day deep sea fishing, and a killer whale when they are on the submarine. It breaks up the story a little for the reader. It would make more sense to see the corals and schools of fish and killer whales on that trip. Change “Paul, picture it” to “Paul, take a picture of it. ” or Paul takes a picture of it. (We would say it like that in America, so change those parts of the story where you have it written from picture it, to take a picture of it. ) On the part where you have them leave the sub to get corals, shells, and pearls, you should mention they get those from a shop near the beach. You could write that into your story that a shop sells souvenirs like corals, shells, and pearls. (You are not supposed to take shells and stuff from beaches, in most places it is against the law, but most people don’t know that, and it wouldn’t matter for the sake of your story, but you could put that they got those things from a shop. ) After your last line, I would a line like, at least they have lots of photos to remember this trip forever. Something like that. You made a point of taking so many photos, now explain why they took them. Great job on this one, you are getting really good at these, I can’t wait for the next one.