Republicans: Do I fit your idea of the lazy, dope smoking, welfare loafing Liberal bum?

I went to college on the Basic Educational Grant Program in the 1960’s. I stayed in school, earning two degrees, until the money ran out.

Then I got drafted into the Army. I tried to tell them that I was gay but they did not believe me. During Basic Training at Fort Gordon, I shot myself in the foot with an M16 and blew part of my little toe off so they would let me out, which they did. Vietnam had to do without me.

They didn’t believe that it was an accident so I hired a lawyer and sued them. They ended up having to give me a partial disability.

My girlfriend was a dance major and she paid my tuition to the University of Miami by dancing at topless clubs a few nights per week. I earned a Masters Degree in Philosophy.

My father died and left me his 36 foot Alberg Sailboat which Sophie and I lived on. We started running pot to the Gulf Coast of Alabama and got away with it for several years. Then I got caught and sent to the Minimum Security Prison near Atlanta for 36 months where I learned graphic arts and computer design on the public nickel.

The DEA had confiscated the boat but I had Sophie buy it back at auction with pot money that we had stashed before the Coast Guard busted me.

When I got out of the joint I started a business making fake ID cards for college students and fake papers for the Haitians in the area. This was all cash of course.

I am a pretty decent guitar player so we left South Florida on the boat and knocked around the Bahamas for a few years, playing in bars for tourists and Sophie would dance occasionally for extra pocket money. She could knock down a grand per night sometimes.

We eventually came back to Cape Coral where my uncle had left me a little house on a canal so we could dock the boat, then knocked around the country, spending a lot of time in San Francisco and Mexico where the living was cheap.

We made it back to Cape Coral and I started giving sailing lessons to tourists, cash payment of course.

I turned 62 last year and got a letter from the Social Security Administation. I thought that it was a mistake since I had never had a legitimate job. But it turned out that I had just enough quarters of work from my time working in the prison printing shop to qualify. So now I get a check each month.
It isn’t much so don’t worry. I splice in with a few guitar gigs and we do ok.

I was recently offered a teaching job at the Florida State Prison as they are looking for someone to teach an ethics course in their Philosoply Department. The director of the program was in Federal Prison with me those many years ago. But I would have to drive quite a bit to teach the classes so I don’t think I’ll do it. We don’t really need the money as Sophie teaches the rich folks kids over in Ft.. Myers modern dance and ballet.

So there you have it. I have never had a real job. I was educated mostly at government expense and with untaxed money from Sophie’s topless days, was a convicted felon until Jeb Bush pardoned me (one of Sophie’s ballet students parents were friends with Jeb).

I never paid a dime into Social Security until they locked me up and now I get a check.

Please don’t hate me. I paid my debt to society.