786
4 January 2010
The Past That Has Past
What I think is small
What you feel that’s great
I am nothing at all
You make me feel like that
I am a lonely person
Lost in memories of my past
Searching myself
In the drowning craft
I lost my destiny
Now finding ways
To come across
From the sunken boat
Flourishing my thoughts
Construction my body
Joining my parts
In water that I lost
Strange is to me
I’m very little indeed
If my words though work
Then feel my pain in heart
Tell your side
The existence of mine
That I had in past
The past that has past
S. Aarif Ameen (Zahid)
i think its good
Better for what purpose? A school assignment? A poetry competition? To give to a friend? What is the context for improving the poem?
My general advice (I’ve got a BA in writing) would be to include more specific images (what kind of water was lost, where is the narrator, what kind of craft).
Secondly: ask yourself specifically about the form of the poem, why four line stanzas? why do some stanzas (stanza one) have the opening line with five syllables and some have (stanza two) only four syllables? in poetry all your line breaks, word choice, rhythm, rhyme and meter need to be intentional and thought through.
Summary: more specific details, ask yourself if every line/word choice is intentional.
i think its good.
but as jus my advice:
-maybe u shud ryhme it more.
ex. in the 3 paragraph.
instead of ‘from the sunken boat’
put ‘all the hidden days’
jus wat i think! =)
Zahid, the effort you put into this one is admirable but let me just say a few things which are based on my amateur perception – first, gotta do a grammar check to make it more effective – things like “construction my body” do not make sense. And I think the title should be “The Past that has Passed”. Please rewrite it and then repost. Good luck and God bless (Allah’s blessings to you brother).
i love it it’s really good just the way it is
thats nice
answer mine?pls
http://answers. yahoo. com/question/index;_ylt=AgcFSdRvcFJ4L4lnK5rxVqzsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20100104015139AATufVG